blogger managed to fuck up my old account somehow so now i have this one with a much hipper title that isnt gibberish, im still rubbish at using it hence the fact all the pictures are in the wrong places and all that. Im going to start learning more about technology soon so hopefully that'll help. Anyway i'll probably go on about the same purile stuff punctuated by pictures i did (now with added illustrator CS3 knowhow)
A poster i did for a band called YUCK that i didnt get a copy of
A poster i did for a band called AGE OF CONSENT that i hopefully will get a copy of
And finally...
A transcript of my friend Emmetts Email conversation with a woman trying to convert him to Christianity.
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So a letter came through theCUT letterbox encouraging us to embrace jesus and repent our sins accompanied by some bizarre leaflets linking the lyrics from the rolling stones song 'satisfaction' with us all being unhappy in life without God, so I decided to email them back and try to see if I could blag a free bible....
Here is the frankly bizarre conversation...
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Dear Cheryl,
Thank you ever so much for your letter and the leaflets about ‘Satisfaction’. I must admit I’d never really heard of this Sir Mick Jagger fellow before what with not being much of a raver myself, but with a little research on the world wide web and asking some of the younger, hipper members of staff here at theCUT I have learned a little about him. He must have been pretty bored and fed up to write not only that song but to do the unspeakable act with the Mars Bar that I found out about, anyway I digress because you’re leaflet did hit a chord (not a guitar chord –HAHAHAHAHAHA) with me and I am curious to find out more about Jesus. Previously I just thought of him and a bearded simpleton from the past, rather like Jeremy Beadle or Captain Birdseye, but if he as you say he has, has magical powers to satisfaction then maybe I need him in my life.
You see I’ve been having a tough time at work lately Cheryl, I guess it started back in March when my wife left me for one of the doormen, that evening at work I just thought stuff it and started having a few sly drinks when no one was watching. Malibu, was my tipple of choice, I found the delicious taste took my mind away from my miserable life as a barman in Newcastle and transported me to a tropical paradise where beautiful ladies fanned me down with really big leaves. It was a warm happy place and I never wanted to leave. Sadly this led to me constantly being sozzled at work, first leading to the earning of the nickname ‘Shandy pants’ and then to serious disciplinary action on the behalf of my employers, still I have managed to keep a hold on to my job.
I’m worried though I won’t be able to hold on much longer, I am now drinking two maybe three bottles of Malibu a week, I even during the duration of one shift last Thursday spent the entire evening speaking in a Jamaican accent. This really can’t go on can it? I am hoping to maybe find my satisfaction from Jesus and not the wicked yet delicious coconut based beverage known as Malibu could you possibly help me by perhaps dropping a bible through our letterbox along with more leaflets?
Yours Sincerely Paul Patrick Trueman-Emmett
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Date: Fri, 29 Oct 2010 14:27:42 +0100
From: **********@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: satisfaction
To: paul.emmett@hotmail.com
It's great to hear from you Paul. I actually don't know a lot about these high flying rock stars like Mick Jagger, but I do know that they did some strange things! I am sorry to hear about your wife. That must have been hard!
You're right to want to find satisfaction in something other than "the wicked yet delicious coconut based beverage known as Malibu"! If you keep going on like that, you might end up waking up one morning with Afro hair!
I'll pray for you regarding your wife and wanting to find satisfaction in Jesus. Regading the leaflets, I will certainly send you some. Would you like more of the "Satifaction" and/or some others? Maybe I could get you a big batch of the satisfaction ones and you could distribute them in the City centre when you're out there.
I don't mind paying for them. I will send you a Bible to keep for free as well and you all can read it.
Please reply with what you want, and tell me the address of theCUT (as I no longer have it) and then I will post them to you free of charge. (I don't have a car so it's just easier for me to post them to you).
In the meantime why don't you guys read these other leaflets online:
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0001/0001_01.as
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0003/0003_01.as
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0028/0028_01.as
If you want any of these in hard copy, I will send these to you free of charge as well. Tell me how many of these you want.
Thanks for replying. Much appreciated!
Yours, Cheryl.
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Oh Jesus Christ, God forbid I would ever have afro hair! That won't happen will it?
As regards to the leaflets I'm independent of the club and I'm just hired as a freelance barhand, if they found out I was opening their post they could have me arrested or worse (a few of the doorman have been listening to my ex wifes vicious lies and would love to rough me up!) If you stuff them through the letterbox though in an envelope marked 'Mr Bupa Diop' I will be able to intercept them. The club is on st nicholas st opposite the big cathedral perhaps because of this Jesus will watch over us why we drop off and collect the leaflets respectively.
Please hurry though last night I hate to admit I drank a whole bottle of Malibu whilst at work and just started crying in front of the customers. That bitch why did she leave me!!
-Paul Patrick Trueman-Emmett
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Mmmm, I can see your predicament, but the problem is, is that I am not in Newcastle until 16th November. If you need them ASAP, that's no problem - I can post them to your own house/flat address. If you don't want me to keep your address however I will delete it as soon as I have sent you them. The other problem is that I do not have any 'Satisfaction' leaflets left. I will have to order them anyway, and they took a while to come last time. I will pop them through theCUT letter box on the 16th Nov for you if that's best. Otherwise I can another way. Just ell me what's best.
I'm sorry if I thought you were emailing as a 'group'. I wasn't quite sure actually. Thanks for clarifying that one!
P.S. What did you think of those 'online' leaflets I just emailed to you?
God bless, Cheryl.
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Hello Paul, Sorry for the delay in getting you a Bible and the leaflets you asked for. I can confirm that I will be in Newcastle this Tuesday (the 16th).
Please be ready to intercept 'theCUT' letter box in the afternoon. It should be between 2.30pm and 6pm, and is unlikely to be any earlier or later although it's possible. Because of the amount of leaflets I have been able to gather in this time, the stuff will come in TWO BROWN A5 envelopes with just 'Mr Bupa Diop' on them, seloptaped shut. I'll just stuff them through the letterbox. PLEASE be waiting to intercept them. PLEASE reply when you get them so I know you got them okay.
Please reply beforehand if this is a problem for you (e.g. If they have ruffled your feathers and sacked you already! - If so give me another address/letterbox to shove the stuff through). If you don't reply I'll assume this arrangement is okay for you.
I hope the internet links have helped you as well. Thanks again for your interest. It is much appreciated! Please reply.
Yours, Cheryl.
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Date: Mon, 15 Nov 2010 12:28:55 +0000
From: ***********@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: From Cheryl
To: paul.emmett@hotmail.com
Hi Paul just to remind you I'll be there tomorrow with the two brown envelopes with a Bible and leaflets in for you. Cheryl.
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Thank you very much for the bible, I have got up super early today with the intension of reading it cover to cover in the next 24 hours, the only time I have ever managed this before is with 'Head On' Ian Botham's autobiography which was a fantastic read and I'm sure will be a hard act to follow. Nether the less I'm looking forward to reading about what Jesus got up to, did he play any cricket at any point? I don't suppose he did what with him living in Jerusalem, hardly a hotbed for cricket ey?
Also thank you for the other religious pamphlets you provided me with, the little comic 'Tiny Shoes' about the little boy was particularly good.
Paulie.
Phew. Anyway tune in soon for more web based hilarity/tragedy.
p.s
PHILLIPA FORRESTER WAS CHUCKED OFF ROBOT WARS FOR SUCKING OFF CRAIG CHARLES'S BORDER COLLIE.
...probably.
